I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
