4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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