nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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