Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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