i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
