Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
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