I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
