She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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