She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
