I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
