you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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