Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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