I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
