She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
