You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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