my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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