You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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