so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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