my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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