I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
