Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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