i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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