You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
