Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You dont lie about slip and slides
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My life is pants optional.
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