My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
