two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
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