I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
