i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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