My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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