dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
