he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
