You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
