ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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