Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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