Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
