Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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