Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
