i jhust puked up my retainher.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i came on her dog
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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