girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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