she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
