when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
