My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's not a walk of shame if you run
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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