He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
