May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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