Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
