Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
