i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
