I puked a lego.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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