I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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