dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
