im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
