He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
