the new term for farting is butt boxing.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
