People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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