My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
